The first book I've completed in 2014 is 5 Love Languages. This book has completed renovated my mind and thoughts on how to effectively love and engage with my wife at a higher level. Below are some of my notes and takeaways from reading it. The format is nothing professional.. it's just my raw notes and takeaways.. I hope you enjoy :)
I highly recommend this book for the husband and wife that desires to meet their spouse's deepest needs and wants to build an amazing marriage based on love. The best part is recognizing your spouse's primary love language.. once you know it, you can "wow" them and show them sincere, emphatic love with simple gestures and save time and efforts doing things that really doesn't matter to them. I personally feel that Dr. Gary Chapman is a genius!
Essential Takeaway: Every person has the basic need to be loved; it's a primary human emotional need. The need began in childhood and has never gone away and never will go away. At the core of everyone, we desire to be in relationship with others and we desire to be loved.
At the core of every relationship, there is an invisible love tank. Our love tanks can be empty or full. We can directly impact our spouse's love tank by identifying their love language and loving them in that primary love language. (discover your love language by completing Dr. Chapman's test here).
Speaking love languages to your spouse has the power and ability to reconnect and reunite that "courtship experience" and the exciting ways things "used to be"
There are 5 primary love languages: words of affirmations, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and receiving gifts. If you're not sure what's your primary love language take Dr. Gary Chapman's test by clicking here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/.
- People speak different love languages
- everyone has a love tank... and we can fill those tanks by loving them in their primary love language
- we must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love langauge if we are to be effective communicators of love
- inside of hurting marriages, one can almost always trace it back down to love. There exists an emotional love tank that has a gauge on empty.
- in the beginning of relationships there is a "in love" experience that's euphoric. at this stage, the couple is emotionally obsessed with each other, and the other person can do no wrong... the other person is perfect!
- the "in love" experience is fiction, not fact. it dwindles away pretty quickly. it will always end!
- during the "in love" experience, the individuals lose interests in other pursuits.
Love Language 1 - Words of Affirmation
- the tongue has the power of life and death
- verbal compliments, or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. they are best expressed in simple, straight-forward statements of affirmation.
- when we receive affirming words we are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate
- dialects of words of affirmation:
- encouraging words, verbal compliments, kind words, humble words,
Action Steps for you if your spouse's love language is words of affirmation:
- write reminders that your spouse's primary love language is words of affirmation
- for one week, keep a record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day.
- set a goal to your spouse a different compliment each day for one monh
- write a love letter or a love paragraph or a love sentence to your spouse and give it quietly
- compliment your spouse in the presence of their family, friends, business associates
- look for your spouse's strengths and tell them how much you appreciate those strengths
- tell your children how great their mom/dad is
- write a poem for your spouse describing them
Love Language 2 - Quality Time
- quality time - giving someone your undivided attention.
- sitting on the couch watching tv doesn't count
- it means taking a walk, just the two of you, or going to each and looking at each other and talking
- make a list of all of the things that you know your spouse would love you to do with them if their primary love language is quality time. after making the list, commit to do one thing with your each week
- there is a difference between doing things together and doing things in close proximity; it requires giving your spouse your full attention
Action steps if your spouse's primary love language is quality time
- ask spouse for list of 5 activities that they would enjoy doing with you. make plans to do one of them each month
- ask your spouse where they most enjoy sitting when talking with you. then next week make a date to go to that place and talk
- think of an activity your spouse enjoys, but brings little pleasure to you: and tell your spouse you'd like to join them in that activity... and ask engaging questions to learn more about that activity
- plan a weekend getaway for just the two of you
- make time every day to share with each other some of the events of the day.
Love Language # 3 - Receiving Gifts
- this one's pretty self explanatory. if your spouse likes receiving items of value and gifts.. then maybe this is their primary love language and you should engage it. Dr. Chapman mentions that there is no bad or good love language.. but this one could become pretty costly :)
Action steps if your spouse's primary love language is quality time
- provide a parade of gifts once per month: combination of gifts throughout the week
- incorporate handmade items to show care
- give your spouse a gift every day for one week
- keep a gift idea notebook, and when you notice something catches your spouses eye, jot it down, and incorporate that gift later.
Love Language # 4 - Acts of Service
- Jesus Christ gave us a great sample of this when expressing love by an act of service when He washed the feet of His disciples.
- acts of service range from washing the dishes, doing the laundry, vacuuming the carpets, washing the car, mowing the lawn, etc.
- overcoming stereotypes is key here: learning the love language of acts of service require some of us to reexamine our stereotypes of the roles of husband and wives
Action steps if your spouse's love language is acts of service
- make a list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks
- create cards that says: "today i will show my love for you by..." complete the sentence with one act of service and give to your spouse after you've completed the act of service.
- ask your spouse to make a list of the ten things they would like you to do over the next month
- ask your spouse, what acts of service that would really speak love him or her
Love Language #5 - Physical Touch
- physical touch is a powerful vehicle for communicating love. holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one's spouse
Action steps if your spouse's love language is physical touch
- hold hands while in public
- while eating, let your knee or foot drift over and touch your spouse
- initiate a shoulder massage while your spouse is sitting down and least expecting it
- if you sit together in church, when the minister calls for prayer, reach over and hold your spouse's hand
I hope you've enjoyed my quick overview of the book. I highly recommend it. Wishing you many blessings and a wildly successful marriage!
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